okay, so, school is coming up, and like usual, i'm excited. but this year has some ups and downs.
ups
seeing everyone
wearing my new clothes
choir and drama
dance classes start soon
not being the youngest
my new friends coming to the school
I FOUND AN AUDITION SONG!
downs
finding another audition song
choosing outfits
math, pre-cal
not having some friends in classes
homework
old friends gone
but..
i'm still excited.
which could be weird.
DFTBA,
erin.
Friday, August 29, 2008
running
my head all of a sudden is pounding/how strange/i can't have a bruise in my brain/stopping me from thinking of things that make me sad/my hair is really straight/it feels nice too/i wish someone would play with my hair/it's a nice feeling/no one has played with my hair in a really long time/my friend asked me a good question the other day/it made me think/i can't like two people/the question was interesting/that's weird/oww/glitter/my eye hurts/it is literally sparkling/haha i'm funny/don't you dislike when people begrudge you for no reason/i'm hungry/it's so stupid/like, what did i do wrong/if i had done something, maybe it would make more sense/eyelids are drooping/sleep?/not yet/okay, now.
sing me
sing me to sleep
it's the best you could do
sing me away from this aching pain
sing me to sleep
it's for you and me
sing because you can
sing me to sleep
it's what i need
sing so i can hear your voice
sing me to sleep
and lay here beside me
sing me to sleep as you stroke my hair
sing me to sleep
the pain is gone
sing me anyways
i love to hear your voice
beside me
sing me to sleep
and you never know
i might harmonize with you in my sleep.
it's the best you could do
sing me away from this aching pain
sing me to sleep
it's for you and me
sing because you can
sing me to sleep
it's what i need
sing so i can hear your voice
sing me to sleep
and lay here beside me
sing me to sleep as you stroke my hair
sing me to sleep
the pain is gone
sing me anyways
i love to hear your voice
beside me
sing me to sleep
and you never know
i might harmonize with you in my sleep.
too bad
all we ever needed was this.
too bad 'this' isn't mine.
too bad you like her.
too bad i'm just your friend.
too bad.
too bad.
too bad the music stopped.
too bad the dance ended.
too bad i'm gone.
too bad.
too bad for you.
too bad that i care.
all we ever needed was nothing,
since you and i were never a we.
too bad 'this' isn't mine.
too bad you like her.
too bad i'm just your friend.
too bad.
too bad.
too bad the music stopped.
too bad the dance ended.
too bad i'm gone.
too bad.
too bad for you.
too bad that i care.
all we ever needed was nothing,
since you and i were never a we.
dedicated to a friend of mine
so when there is hope of a relationship, I polietly turn the other way.
all I want to do is run away.
maybe I'm just scared.
but why?
it's not like I have past relationships that have made me this way.
what could it be?
what could it be?
my comfort zone is with me
and that's how it will always be.
all alone.
just me.
all I want to do is run away.
maybe I'm just scared.
but why?
it's not like I have past relationships that have made me this way.
what could it be?
what could it be?
my comfort zone is with me
and that's how it will always be.
all alone.
just me.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Holocaust Memorial Museum
For the dead and the living, we must bear witness.
-Elie Wiesel
As we walked through the security at the front, I began to take in what I was about to see. On Sunday we saw memorials and did some sightseeing, but this museum is the biggest reason for coming here.
Our group is big, and there were three elevators. At first, we thought that they were big, because they put in at least 30 (maybe more) people into it. When a new elevator came, it reminded me a bit of a selection process. She was just calling out schools and gropus, but I just sort of had a connection in my mind to that. We got into the elevator. It was just average sized, with a television. We were the last group, so we had less people, but the caustropohbic(sp?) feeling was still there. It was like a connection to the cattle cars.
We got out on the fourth floor, we were starting at the top working down. The fourth floor was about the Nazis and Hitler's rise to power. They had tons of screens playing videos in black and white. They had photos, and text on the wall-like structures surrounding me. I read and took things in while I walked. There were many people there. After waiting about seven minutes, we went into a seperate room. We then watched a movie that was 13 minutes long about the Rise to Power. We sat on benches, and the room was small. We continued our travels, and saw more photos, videos, and read more text.
We walked into the room of our second video, and I sat near the wall, since every bench was in use. I sat on the side with P, M and A (who had recently lost his group and walked with us for the rest of the time). We saw more artifacts and then went to the next level.
The Concentration Camps and Ghettos level. The third floor. This was a very graphic floor. There were plenty of pictures, text and video, but TONS of artifacts. Together, we walked through a cattle car. J was immensly shaken by that. I stood inside for a while, looking around at the space. I was imagining people being thrown and squished inside, longing for space and comfort. I had only read descriptions about cattle cars, and seen pictures and videos, but actually standing in it had such an effect.
We walked some more, and approached a barrack. We walked inside, and there were the bunkerbeds that the prisoners had slept on. I turned to J with a horrified look on my face and said, "J. This is so scary, because it is real. This isn't some replica or something made up. This is real."
A bunch of people were crowded around this square. It had walls around it, and people were looking down into it. P said that they were videos about the experiments. A was watching, but I was still waiting. He told us that it was so gruesome. J was telling us how she wanted to see it really badly, but at the same time, she wanted to stand aside. She looked back at it, and then said she'd see it. We got a spot to look, and then we saw it. There were slideshow pictures of the sick things that they did to people. They had subtitles/captions describing them. The last picture that I saw was a bunch of body parts, ripped off of people. I can still picture it in my head.
We walked down a hallway, and on either side of us, there were "pit-like" things filled with shoes. They were scattered, piled on top of each other. There was a poem by Moshe Szulsztein, a Yiddish poet, on the wall. On one wall it was written in English, and on the other wall it was written in Hebrew.
We are the shoes, we are the last witnesses.
We are shoes from grandchildren and grandfathers
From Prague, Paris and Amsterdam,
And because we are only made of fabric and leather
And not of blood and flesh,
Each one of us avoided the hellfire
-Elie Wiesel
As we walked through the security at the front, I began to take in what I was about to see. On Sunday we saw memorials and did some sightseeing, but this museum is the biggest reason for coming here.
Our group is big, and there were three elevators. At first, we thought that they were big, because they put in at least 30 (maybe more) people into it. When a new elevator came, it reminded me a bit of a selection process. She was just calling out schools and gropus, but I just sort of had a connection in my mind to that. We got into the elevator. It was just average sized, with a television. We were the last group, so we had less people, but the caustropohbic(sp?) feeling was still there. It was like a connection to the cattle cars.
We got out on the fourth floor, we were starting at the top working down. The fourth floor was about the Nazis and Hitler's rise to power. They had tons of screens playing videos in black and white. They had photos, and text on the wall-like structures surrounding me. I read and took things in while I walked. There were many people there. After waiting about seven minutes, we went into a seperate room. We then watched a movie that was 13 minutes long about the Rise to Power. We sat on benches, and the room was small. We continued our travels, and saw more photos, videos, and read more text.
We walked into the room of our second video, and I sat near the wall, since every bench was in use. I sat on the side with P, M and A (who had recently lost his group and walked with us for the rest of the time). We saw more artifacts and then went to the next level.
The Concentration Camps and Ghettos level. The third floor. This was a very graphic floor. There were plenty of pictures, text and video, but TONS of artifacts. Together, we walked through a cattle car. J was immensly shaken by that. I stood inside for a while, looking around at the space. I was imagining people being thrown and squished inside, longing for space and comfort. I had only read descriptions about cattle cars, and seen pictures and videos, but actually standing in it had such an effect.
We walked some more, and approached a barrack. We walked inside, and there were the bunkerbeds that the prisoners had slept on. I turned to J with a horrified look on my face and said, "J. This is so scary, because it is real. This isn't some replica or something made up. This is real."
A bunch of people were crowded around this square. It had walls around it, and people were looking down into it. P said that they were videos about the experiments. A was watching, but I was still waiting. He told us that it was so gruesome. J was telling us how she wanted to see it really badly, but at the same time, she wanted to stand aside. She looked back at it, and then said she'd see it. We got a spot to look, and then we saw it. There were slideshow pictures of the sick things that they did to people. They had subtitles/captions describing them. The last picture that I saw was a bunch of body parts, ripped off of people. I can still picture it in my head.
We walked down a hallway, and on either side of us, there were "pit-like" things filled with shoes. They were scattered, piled on top of each other. There was a poem by Moshe Szulsztein, a Yiddish poet, on the wall. On one wall it was written in English, and on the other wall it was written in Hebrew.
We are the shoes, we are the last witnesses.
We are shoes from grandchildren and grandfathers
From Prague, Paris and Amsterdam,
And because we are only made of fabric and leather
And not of blood and flesh,
Each one of us avoided the hellfire
-Moshe Szulsztein
The displays of the tatoos were next. That whole idea sickens me, personally. They had a HUGE picture of tons of hair in a pile, which was just a fraction of all the hair cut off. They used hair for matress stuffing. It was cheap.
The children area was just so touching. There were many names.
There was this one thing that just stuck in my mind. They used cracked tombstones from somewhere in Poland to make a wall.
I couldn't finish writing about my trip to the Holocaust Memorial Museum, and all of the words I wrote aren't even close to describing the painful feelings and emotions that are brought out from this museum.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
tired
i'm tired/it's only 12:46/i want more texts/oh wow, my eyelids are heavy/i want a lollipop/i really should read that book/my dream last night/hard to describe/i'm lying/no/erin, you know you want to be held/just want to be held/just want to be loved/oh that makes sense/you look loveable right now/nice shirt/i love it/yea right/eyelids are heavy/why awake anyways/lollipop/it's not like he'll text or call you/that sucks/it's the truth/shucks/ it's the cold, hard truth/shut up, i know this sucks/yes, it does suck/lollipop yummy, how good/oh, please hold me/i need somebody to love/why you/i've never had anyone/that's pathetic/it's pure/get out of town/what else do i say?/eyelids are heavy/it's not that difficult/if you care a lot/i do/then try/i am trying/oh yeah/i'm not the only one who should do stuff/it's not that hard/why is my cell phone being inactive in the recieving department/i missed the hills/lollipops are good/i miss a lot of people/i know, sweetie, i know.
neverland
I never used to understand so many things.
I still don't.
I used to find age as a boundary, and a safety blanket.
To me, it was like, I couldn't do certain things because I was too young.
Like, I couldn't do certain things because I was too old.
Those were the boundaries.
When I was scared and ran to my parents.
When we practiced drills at school and I fooled around because anything bad like that could never happen to a kid like me.
Those were the saftey blanket type of things.
Age is something that you can get caught up in, and it is pretty important.
Everyone is supposed to have a 'prime time' in their lives. I don't think mine has come yet. I hope it hasn't. I like to know what I am experiencing, being able to put a title on things, that's me.
I still don't.
I used to find age as a boundary, and a safety blanket.
To me, it was like, I couldn't do certain things because I was too young.
Like, I couldn't do certain things because I was too old.
Those were the boundaries.
When I was scared and ran to my parents.
When we practiced drills at school and I fooled around because anything bad like that could never happen to a kid like me.
Those were the saftey blanket type of things.
Age is something that you can get caught up in, and it is pretty important.
Everyone is supposed to have a 'prime time' in their lives. I don't think mine has come yet. I hope it hasn't. I like to know what I am experiencing, being able to put a title on things, that's me.
Monday, August 18, 2008
personal life?
I haven't made many posts about my personal life, and it is KIND of boring. I mean, there is barely ANY drama going on EVER. Well, I take that back, there is some stuff that could be found interesting enough to read. But whatever. I'll try my best.
So, last week I went to a teenage mother support group. I was totally nervous. I mean, it's weird enough getting looks at school, people talking about you behind your back, calling you a slut and whatnot. It isn't even like that, and they have no idea about what happened or anything. So when I got out of my friend's car and stepped onto the pavement, I was just feeling so nervous. I can't even think of a word better than that to describe it.
The room had desks formed in a square, so everyone would be facing inwards. It reminded me of a middle school classroom setup or something like that. I was expecting there to be a circle of chairs or something, like in Rent with the Aids meetings. Some people were already seated. I didn't know anyone, so I just took a seat near one of the corners of the square of desks. It actually was kind of like a rectangle more than a square.
Girls started filing into the room, and, like usual, I looked at their outfits. I'm not superficial, but sometimes I find it fun to look at outfits and people's looks, and think of what kind of person they seem to be. One girl looked really nice. She had auburn hair (jealous!) in a ponytail, and a red shirt on. She kind of reminded me of Sadie (Charlotte Arnold) from the show Naturally Sadie.
When the meeting began, we all went around and said our names. The lady who was the leader, or whatever you'd call her, pointed to a girl and asked if she would like to share her story. This was a session about opening up about situations, and not to hold things in. The girl named either Maggie or Margaret(I don't remember, but I guess I'll see her if I go back another time. I'll just call her Maggie.) started to tell her story. I found it actually really interesting, so I hope you do too.
Maggie had been hanging out with the popular kids at her school (Hollister-wearing whores, who weren't anywhere near being whores, but they loved the title, she said) and there was a guy who hung out with them that she thought was kind of cute. They got to know each other a little bit, but unfortunately, he was dating her friend(a HW) Hanna, so all she could do was dream. They were out at someone's house and they were all laughing about the stupid things that they did in middle school. Maggie said that she kissed a guy at a middle school dance, and her best friend liked him too, so their friendship ended, just like that. Hanna said that she would never dump a friend for a dumb reason like that. They later decided to play 7 minutes in heaven, a game that Maggie had played before, and she found out she had to go in with the guy she liked. His name was Alex or something. So, when she found out it was her and Alex together, she remembered what Hanna had said, and then Maggie said that two minutes later, they were on the floor, half-clothed. She said that it went by so fast, she was so out of it, that she didn't have much control over the situation. She said that she liked it a hell of a lot, and she didn't want to stop anything anyways. I can see her point of view.
Anyways, back to her story. So there was a knock on the door, Maggie said, and she heard people yelling 'Time's Up!' but the two of them didn't acknowledge anything. In stepped Hanna, the HW's (hollister whores) and the rest of the guys. Hanna dropped to the floor in a deestated rage, the HW's (apparently Maggie remembers all of the little details) crept around to sneak peeks at Alex, and the guys did the same to Maggie. She said right about when one of the guys made a remark about her body and when one of the HW's slapped Maggie in the face, while the others furiously texted everyone to let them know what was going on, was the moment everything came rushing back to her. What she had just done waas such a huge deal, and she started to break down and cry while she quickly grabbed her clothes. She said that she had always wanted to wait for the perfect guy, someone who knew her well, and someone who she trusted. She was so frustrated with herself, she never wanted to lose her virginity at a party in a bedroom she'd never been in with a guy, she realized, she didn't even know. That all happened in her grade nine year, and she was now in grade eleven. After hearing her age, I was kind of less uptight, in a way, because I am going into grade ten, and it just happened at the end of grade nine. Her baby was named Kathleen, and she adored her. She was going to adopt, but her mother helped take care of her. It was nice to hear that her mother was coping with the situation, bad as it is. She finished her story and then finished it off with saying, "Having someone there for you helps a heck of a lot," and I really agree. I'm so lucky that I have people here with me.
Then there was a question time. Someone asked about the guy, Alex. Maggie laughed, then said "His parents were obviously totally mad, but I think his dad was secretly glad that Hanna broke up with him." She made me, and some other people, giggle.
Another girl said that she was just 3 months in, and the boy she did it with was her sister's ex, which I suppose complicates things. One girl, wearing fishnets for some reason (???), didn't say much, but just that this wasn't her first time having sex; that she loved it, and that she wasn't even pregnant, her mom just made her come here.
Going to that meeting/clinic/whatever was such a good experience. It was a comfort to see that tons of people around my age had gotten through this. I am a bit less scared now. Okay, that's a total lie. I am TOTALLY freaked out about it. I hate pain. But I still have more than a few months to go. I'll be able to do school for a while, which is good. I don't want to miss a lot, because I'd hate to fall behind in classes, and miss the after school stuff, which I love. Not everyone at my school knows, but the people who know (like I said before) call me a slut and all that jazz behind my back and to my face. If you look at me, you wouldn't be able to tell that I'm pregnant or anything. I'm only a couple months in. I don't know a way to let everyone know, without it being awkward. Maybe publishing it on my blog, or on facebook will work. I don't know. This might always be a draft. It won't be though, because after I finish this paragraph off, I'm clicking publish, and the news will be out. All of this being sick stuff sucks though. I hate throwing up.
Love, Me.
P.S. Don't hate me :S
So, last week I went to a teenage mother support group. I was totally nervous. I mean, it's weird enough getting looks at school, people talking about you behind your back, calling you a slut and whatnot. It isn't even like that, and they have no idea about what happened or anything. So when I got out of my friend's car and stepped onto the pavement, I was just feeling so nervous. I can't even think of a word better than that to describe it.
The room had desks formed in a square, so everyone would be facing inwards. It reminded me of a middle school classroom setup or something like that. I was expecting there to be a circle of chairs or something, like in Rent with the Aids meetings. Some people were already seated. I didn't know anyone, so I just took a seat near one of the corners of the square of desks. It actually was kind of like a rectangle more than a square.
Girls started filing into the room, and, like usual, I looked at their outfits. I'm not superficial, but sometimes I find it fun to look at outfits and people's looks, and think of what kind of person they seem to be. One girl looked really nice. She had auburn hair (jealous!) in a ponytail, and a red shirt on. She kind of reminded me of Sadie (Charlotte Arnold) from the show Naturally Sadie.
When the meeting began, we all went around and said our names. The lady who was the leader, or whatever you'd call her, pointed to a girl and asked if she would like to share her story. This was a session about opening up about situations, and not to hold things in. The girl named either Maggie or Margaret(I don't remember, but I guess I'll see her if I go back another time. I'll just call her Maggie.) started to tell her story. I found it actually really interesting, so I hope you do too.
Maggie had been hanging out with the popular kids at her school (Hollister-wearing whores, who weren't anywhere near being whores, but they loved the title, she said) and there was a guy who hung out with them that she thought was kind of cute. They got to know each other a little bit, but unfortunately, he was dating her friend(a HW) Hanna, so all she could do was dream. They were out at someone's house and they were all laughing about the stupid things that they did in middle school. Maggie said that she kissed a guy at a middle school dance, and her best friend liked him too, so their friendship ended, just like that. Hanna said that she would never dump a friend for a dumb reason like that. They later decided to play 7 minutes in heaven, a game that Maggie had played before, and she found out she had to go in with the guy she liked. His name was Alex or something. So, when she found out it was her and Alex together, she remembered what Hanna had said, and then Maggie said that two minutes later, they were on the floor, half-clothed. She said that it went by so fast, she was so out of it, that she didn't have much control over the situation. She said that she liked it a hell of a lot, and she didn't want to stop anything anyways. I can see her point of view.
Anyways, back to her story. So there was a knock on the door, Maggie said, and she heard people yelling 'Time's Up!' but the two of them didn't acknowledge anything. In stepped Hanna, the HW's (hollister whores) and the rest of the guys. Hanna dropped to the floor in a deestated rage, the HW's (apparently Maggie remembers all of the little details) crept around to sneak peeks at Alex, and the guys did the same to Maggie. She said right about when one of the guys made a remark about her body and when one of the HW's slapped Maggie in the face, while the others furiously texted everyone to let them know what was going on, was the moment everything came rushing back to her. What she had just done waas such a huge deal, and she started to break down and cry while she quickly grabbed her clothes. She said that she had always wanted to wait for the perfect guy, someone who knew her well, and someone who she trusted. She was so frustrated with herself, she never wanted to lose her virginity at a party in a bedroom she'd never been in with a guy, she realized, she didn't even know. That all happened in her grade nine year, and she was now in grade eleven. After hearing her age, I was kind of less uptight, in a way, because I am going into grade ten, and it just happened at the end of grade nine. Her baby was named Kathleen, and she adored her. She was going to adopt, but her mother helped take care of her. It was nice to hear that her mother was coping with the situation, bad as it is. She finished her story and then finished it off with saying, "Having someone there for you helps a heck of a lot," and I really agree. I'm so lucky that I have people here with me.
Then there was a question time. Someone asked about the guy, Alex. Maggie laughed, then said "His parents were obviously totally mad, but I think his dad was secretly glad that Hanna broke up with him." She made me, and some other people, giggle.
Another girl said that she was just 3 months in, and the boy she did it with was her sister's ex, which I suppose complicates things. One girl, wearing fishnets for some reason (???), didn't say much, but just that this wasn't her first time having sex; that she loved it, and that she wasn't even pregnant, her mom just made her come here.
Going to that meeting/clinic/whatever was such a good experience. It was a comfort to see that tons of people around my age had gotten through this. I am a bit less scared now. Okay, that's a total lie. I am TOTALLY freaked out about it. I hate pain. But I still have more than a few months to go. I'll be able to do school for a while, which is good. I don't want to miss a lot, because I'd hate to fall behind in classes, and miss the after school stuff, which I love. Not everyone at my school knows, but the people who know (like I said before) call me a slut and all that jazz behind my back and to my face. If you look at me, you wouldn't be able to tell that I'm pregnant or anything. I'm only a couple months in. I don't know a way to let everyone know, without it being awkward. Maybe publishing it on my blog, or on facebook will work. I don't know. This might always be a draft. It won't be though, because after I finish this paragraph off, I'm clicking publish, and the news will be out. All of this being sick stuff sucks though. I hate throwing up.
Love, Me.
P.S. Don't hate me :S
Friday, August 15, 2008
looking through my ipod on a thursday night
if i needed to make a mixtape that meant something..
that had songs that meant something, or made people think..
or even songs that mean something to me..
this would be it.
love heals-rent
so i thought-flyleaf
everything-the veronicas
don't do sadness/blue wind-spring awakening
mama said-declan galbraith
time of your life-greenday
sabbath prayer-fiddler on the roof
there's a fine, fine line-avenue q
those you've known-spring awakening
everything-michael buble
something-the beatles
julia-fefe dobson
happiness is a warm gun-the beatles
solla sollew-seussical
cancer-my chemical romance
everybody needs somebody to love-the real group
left behind-spring awakening
write what you know-not exactly romeo
the girl-city and colour
circle of life-the lion king
all about you-mcfly
hide and seek-imogen heap
like toy soldiers-eminem
she had the world-panic at the disco
here comes the sun-the beatles
i havent updated my ipod in a while, so i'm missing a couple.
that had songs that meant something, or made people think..
or even songs that mean something to me..
this would be it.
love heals-rent
so i thought-flyleaf
everything-the veronicas
don't do sadness/blue wind-spring awakening
mama said-declan galbraith
time of your life-greenday
sabbath prayer-fiddler on the roof
there's a fine, fine line-avenue q
those you've known-spring awakening
everything-michael buble
something-the beatles
julia-fefe dobson
happiness is a warm gun-the beatles
solla sollew-seussical
cancer-my chemical romance
everybody needs somebody to love-the real group
left behind-spring awakening
write what you know-not exactly romeo
the girl-city and colour
circle of life-the lion king
all about you-mcfly
hide and seek-imogen heap
like toy soldiers-eminem
she had the world-panic at the disco
here comes the sun-the beatles
i havent updated my ipod in a while, so i'm missing a couple.
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