risky themes and explicit songs

Yeah, another blog post. I'm sitting here at 1:30, not tired(lie) and talking to my friend J on msn. My friend is in the other room watching television or sleeping. I don't really know. She was tired. I am very confused right now.

Everyone always tells me that I think low of myself, and that is probably true. When my friends say stuff like "you are awesome!" and stuff like that, of course that makes me a tad happier. It's just that it is always my friends saying that. No one ever thinks of me as more than a friend. And I love being a friend. It is amazing. But for once, can I be more? Never in my life have I been more, and I want to know if what i'm waiting for is actually good. I don't want a movie ending type thing, or a fairytale story to happen with one of those weird prince guys. The prince usually either looks weird or has a weird name. Or is just a weird guy. But whatever. I don't want that. I want something REAL. I've read SO many books, it feels like I've experienced so much more than I actually have. For instance, if I read a book about a person with an eating disorder and read all about their struggles and such, it makes me feel like I've gone through that. My life is pretty boring, plain, good, and simple compared to some people's lives that I read about. Ficton or non-fiction. Sometimes, I feel like all of the things that I've read about feel like things that I've gone through, and I take that into my everyday life. I'm more sensitive about topics that characters were sensitive about. It is a really weird thing. I have been through many things, but reading books makes me feel like I've been through so much more.

When it comes down to it, I haven't really experienced much of anything. I haven't experienced a first kiss, but I've read through them millions of times, so it feels kind of like I have. Or maybe the reading just makes me want things more?

Picture day is on Tuesday. My friend just reminded me. I haven't even handed in the form to my mom, let alone filled it out. I think I should get a purple background, just because those ones are awesome. Everyone always makes a big deal out of picture day, what they are wearing, how their hair is, makeup, ect. I don't even smile nicely in pictures, so after the first one and the retake, I'm all pictured out. Can't they let me do something else instead of just sitting there smiling? Won't they let me do a cute squished up face? My mom would like those better than the stupid ones from last year. Here's the story: I took the original picture home and my mom thought that it was a bad picture. So, I go in for retakes and take a second picture. It got sent to my house, and my mom took one look at it and decided that it too, was a bad photograph of my face. She didn't send it back in time, so we were stuck with a bunch of pictures of me that were half-decent. She gave them out to some people anyways, but others still have my grade seven picture up on their refrigerator. My hair was half-blonde and my necklaces were tangled.

Is there anything in your life that you are horrified of? You are so scared wanting it, because you are terrified that you will never get it?